September 3, 2009

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  God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.  (Voltaire)

   

  This weekend I joined Plenty of Fish – an on-line dating service similar to Match.com however it is free.  It seems to be very active and I have to say that I found many women in my area.  So I sent out a large number of letters to women who appeared intelligent and appeared to be looking for an intelligent man.  I was struck by how short most of the women’s profiles were.  Compared to Match.com and others (I hate to say this, but I’m getting to be an expert on on-line dating services) it was difficult to know anything about the women.  Except the number that like the Red Sox.  I swear, baseball is more popular with these women than it is with the men.  (smile)

   

  Although I sent out a ton of letters, and they were letters with each one personalized and taking quite a bit of time to create, I only got three back – two were already taken, and one was very hesitant because of my relationship status of “separated”.  But she agreed to go to the stage of “getting to know you” and this is a letter I just sent her:

   

  XXXX,

   

  I’ve told you that I view writing (letters, poetry, essays, etc.) as an opportunity to expound, to explain, to describe, or just to have fun.  So I should tell you that in order to curb my desires, you should be prepared to give me some direction of what you would like me to write about.  Otherwise it’s open season.

   

  Since you didn’t ask me any questions or raise any thought-provoking issues in your last letter, I’ll take that as granting me license to write about anything.  Like a topic in your first letter to me:  the status of “Separated”.

   

  Marriage is a binary concept – one is either married or not married.  However “separated” is not binary – it is a spectrum concept.  One can be anywhere on an entire spectrum from barely separated or newly separated to fully separated and/or long-time separated.  And most cases will fall somewhere in the spectrum between those two extremes. 

   

  Then, to add an additional dimension to that approach, “separated” includes multiple domains.  One may be geographically separated, socially separated (the friends who were shared have been divided in such a way that they are not uncomfortable).  And of course there is the idea of emotional separation.  Many people may be geographically separated but not emotionally separated – or visa versa. 

   

  So what does the one label “separated” mean to a reader who reads that another is “separated” in their profile of a dating network?  How does one communicate all the nuances in that one word when they select “separated” as their status?  Many women will avoid a man with the status of “separated” like they would a leper.  If there is a small group which will make you vulnerable to hurt, then it is easy to treat the whole group that way.  And just like prejudices against ethnics, or religions, where the fear of the few is imposed on the whole, the victims aren’t even given a chance to defend themselves against the charge of “one to be avoided at all cost”. 

   

  Yet the man who excuses himself, often accuses himself.  I can tell you that I have been geographically separated for over four years, the I have been emotionally separated for much longer, (however my wife has been emotionally separated for a shorter time), that we are financially separated, that we have been separated to such an extent that she can now act civil and so we are now friends, the we are separated to such an extent that I haven’t even talked with her for several months (not because of animosity but just because there hasn’t been a need or a desire).  Although I can tell you all those things, if you want to be suspect, you can suspect each of the above statements and I will have accomplished nothing.

   

  I realize the risk that women may face by becoming “involved” with a separated man or a man who claims to be separated only to try to win over the trust of a woman unfairly.  And so I wanted to let you know that I appreciated your willingness to trust me to the point of getting to know me before making any final judgments.  I really do appreciate that.  And I wanted you to know that I appreciate it.  I realize that we are not getting involved to the point of getting married where bigamy is a concern.  Nor even at a level of emotional dependency.  We’re still at the curious stage, the exploratory stage, the investigatory stage.  All stages where the risk of vulnerability is minimized.

   

  But if you have any questions, or concerns, or whatever, please feel free to bring them up.  Your trust deserves honesty and I promise to be honest.  Unlike the stereotypical male, I don’t mind discussing relationships, emotions, feelings, etc.  In fact, I’m androgynous enough that I would rather discuss them than sports. 

   

  Now that I’ve carried on like this, you should have learned your lesson by now that it is probably best to feed me some questions or thoughts in your e-mails, brief as they may be, lest you subject yourself to similar reflections.  (smile)

   

  Have a good day with your pre-class preps. 

   

  Enjoy the picture.

   

  David

   

  • 9:05 pm
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